Monday, January 21, 2013

Something VERY ODD I noticed... Parents immediately spoke in Past Tense

Something I noticed about the parents when speaking about their children that I found odd.

I noticed this because when a good friend of mine died, right afterwards I still said "She IS" and did so for a couple of months after her death.  I spoke about her in the "present" tense.. because  her death was so painful for me and I couldn't believe she was gone.  So I decided to research if speaking in the "present" tense is normal about someone who just died.  I found it is definitely the norm, because people don't want to accept the death of the other, especially if it is a child.   Research articles below.

Every single parent says "WAS" about their child, even the day after.... listen to Robbie Parker in a small section of this video... he says "WAS" over and over... less than 24 hours after the death of Emilie:  Other family videos below showing the same thing... WAS. 


While the initial reaction to the news of a death may be shock and disbelief, these feelings are usually replaced by a
dawning recognition of the reality of what has taken  place. As difficult as it might be, we are gradually able to
acknowledge that the deceased is gone from our lives forever. When there is time to anticipate the loss (e.g., when
someone dies from a chronic illness), we may be less likely to get stuck in denial of the reality of the death. Some
forms of denial are obvious, like discussing the deceased in present tense or retaining the deceased’s possessions. Other
forms can be more subtle, like denial that our relationship with the deceased had any meaning. This latter type is an
attempt to mitigate the significance of our loss.

2. VIOLENT. Any type of violent, traumatic death (suicide, accident or homicide) confronts us with a sense of horror.
We feel shocked that such a terrible thing could have happened and we may worry that we, too, will now be vulnerable
to terrible things. Pervasive feelings of helplessness can overwhelm us as we realize there was nothing we could have
done to prevent the tragedy, and our feelings of being out of control may be exacerbated. We may react with rage that
such violent things can happen in life. If there was a perpetrator of the violence, our rage may be targeted in this
direction. People with a sense of "Divine Responsibility" may get angry at God for permitting such a tragedy to occur.
At a very basic level, the assumptions
we hold about the inherent goodness and meaning of life may be called into question as we struggle to understand what
has taken place. Arriving at a resolution can be especially difficult when the victims of 'violence are children because
one of the tacit societal responsibilities -all adults share is to protect children from harm. When children die tragically,
adults experience a collective sense of failure.

Here is another site and their information about grief and present tense.

When does complicated grif occur?

I believe that complicated grief occurs when the death has added emotional trauma.
According to Dr. Therese Rando,2 probably the leader on complicated grief, three situations can complicate grief when someone close dies:
  • the death threatened their own survival
  • the death is sudden and shocking, with mutilation of people other than a loved one
  • the death is the traumatic and/or mutilating death of a loved one

What is the medical view of “complicated grief”?

The medical community views complicated grief as a major depressive episode.1 The bereaved person may think the sadness is ‘normal,’ but seeks professional help for relief of associated symptoms such as insomnia. A diagnosis of major depressive disorder is generally not given unless symptoms are still present after two months.1
The duration and expression of ‘normal’ bereavement varies considerably among individuals and/or cultural groups. However, the presence of certain symptoms, not characteristic of a natural response, may point to a major depressive episode. These symptoms include:1
  • guilt about things other than actions taken or not taken at the time of the death
  • thoughts of death other than feeling that he or she would be better off dead or should have died with the deceased
  • feeling that everything bad happened because the survivor deserves it
  • much slower thinking and physical abilities
  • unable to do the usual tasks of daily living or job requirements
  • hallucinatory experiences other than transiently hearing the voice of, or seeing the image of, the deceased person
Symptoms of avoidance, numbing, increased arousal, depressed mood, somatic or sexual dysfunction, guilt or obsession, addiction or other related symptoms may also be present.

Is it? Yes or no?

I’ve seen all of these behaviours in people who didn’t have a mental illness before the death and who didn’t experience a complicated grief situation. Corporate presidents and school-age children find themselves unable to remember how to use the telephone. Those usually meticulous about their appearance wear dirty, wrinkled clothes. Some may say this is a major depressive disorder if it lasts longer than two months, as noted above. However, I know that sometimes it takes months for a griever to feel like they can get going with life again.
People with mental health or addiction issues have usually had many losses including secondary losses related to their illness: (e.g., loss of income, relationships, employment, status, self-esteem and/or control, and losses due to discrimination and/or victimization). Often, in this population, I have seen unsupported, unresolved loss through death early in life. Not dealing with this early grief is frequently the main reason there is a mental health condition and/or increased use/misuse of alcohol and other drugs.
Feeling sorrier for themselves than for the person who died, or seeming to continue the relationship by, for example, talking about the deceased in the present tense. Again, these are natural reactions.

Another one... from a book:

I included more information about the grief of parents and people that lose someone suddenly and or violently.  It seems to me the immediate families I have seen so far don't even come close to any "normal" symptoms of grief.... especially after such a horrendous one.

These people are really overly happy... the sisters of Vicky Soto. 

This goes hand in hand with all the parents... a woman freaked out because her daughter's picture is being used as one of the vitcims, Allison Wyatt..



  1. it all seems so damned scripted...

  2. Deeply abnormal. As is the lapdog media just glossing over it. They all have their orders I guess.